Aggression

Today, living in self-isolation and some countries in quarantine, we see an increase in aggression, an increase in divorce in China related to family problems, and in some countries the number of excesses related to violence has increased.

Let’s try to understand what aggression is in this context and what needs to be done to get out of this situation (self-isolation, quarantine) with the least losses, and maybe even gains, because in the coming days the problem with the pandemic will not end and one way or another we will have to live for a long period of time with limited movement, with limited social communication.

Aggression is a natural biological reaction adapted to changes in our behavior or to changes in the circumstances of the enviro…

When we have found out the main reasons, the main triggers that cause our reaction of aggression, when we were able to understand that this reaction is not always rational, not always adequate, we get the opportunity to change this situation. The next time a similar trigger appears, we already know that it will most likely cause a reaction, and we can try to slow it down a little in advance, and instead of reacting as a danger, Express our feelings, our emotions, but not in a complaint: “You do what makes me mad”, but as our own living, in the first person we say: “I feel bad”, “I’m hurt”, “I’m sad”, “I think you want to insult me”. When the statement does not carry an accusation, the other person does not need to defend himself or attack in response, which can lead to a constructive dialogue in order to clarify the cause-and-effect relationships of the other partner’s behavior, because almost never does anyone in a healthy relationship act as an aggressor just like that, out of nowhere. Aggression usually manifests itself only as a reaction to, as it seems to a person, injustice to him, or to an attack.

Accordingly, when there is an opportunity to find out what happened, how the other person understands their action, when you take out your emotions and feelings from the point of view of living yourself, and not accusing the other person of being some kind of wrong, bad, you knowingly stop aggression and scandal and give the opportunity to explain the reasons for behavior, build communication that will no longer lead to an escalation of the conflict, you begin to understand that the reaction was not relevant and either change your behavior, or agree with your partner to act differently, so that it doesn’t provoke aggression in you.

As for the prevention of irritation and aggression, here we again rely on basic biological mechanisms, and if you are interested in avoiding conflicts, aggression, and removing these triggers altogether, the rules are quite simple.

Try to take care of someone, of those people who live under the same roof with you, people with whom you are in the same closed room. Sincere care, a desire to help, a desire to brighten up this period of being in a limited space, to go through it together automatically reduces the degree of tension, because another mechanism is triggered: the secretion of oxytocin, serotonin. Tell your partner that you understand them, that you care about them, that you want them to feel good, that you appreciate them, and that you will go through all this together — all this has a preventive effect.

Well, if the conflict has already occurred, then try to understand why it happened, maybe it makes sense to go first to make up, show the desire and desire to go forward, and then find out what was the basis. But not from the point of view of debt: “you have what I need”, and from the standpoint of, “what was the trigger to that hurt that you considered unjust, dangerous to himself.” Try to come to an understanding agreement, voice these debts when everyone is calm and try to balance them with each other. If you have the will and desire to solve these problems, then most likely you will succeed.

If, after all, aggression occurs, and it is not possible to build a full-fledged relationship of mutual understanding with a partner, then as an option, you can reorient your aggression, just as when we were not limited in space, allocate time for each of the partners to realize these emotions of anger and try to treat the emotions of the other partner with understanding. There’s someone on that much, someone pounding his fists pillows, someone hits the table with his hands, someone draws a terrible picture, it is important these emotions pour out without a partner, but on another thing to throw out accumulated stress so that it does not accumulated on and does not disrupt the partner.

Common goals, common plans, i.e. search for a common goal and its implementation, if possible. This can be building relationships, a joint plan for raising children, building a house or repairing an apartment, joint training, movies, developing the sexual sphere, new experiments and ways, a trip somewhere, even if it does not happen this year, something that unites common goals, it is always a good tool. The main thing is that it is important for two people, and the implementation of these goals meets your basic needs. Working through these things together will significantly improve the overall relationship and help you get through this period painlessly. Cooking together with family members, especially with children, drawing, Board games work well, but not computer games where everyone plays on their own, namely, where socialization, communication, and where it is necessary to talk. The interests of the other partner sometimes seem strange to us, because we do not understand anything about their Hobbies, meanings, Hobbies, but when we start to go deeper, try to help, try, it can drag on and become a joint hobby, which can be a point of growth in your relationship in the future.

Well, it is important to understand your feelings and emotions, what unites you, what you are together for, what makes you happier together, what can become the driver of your relationship. Or to recognize and accept that there is no longer anything in life, what is your General interests, values, and then this period of life will allow you to get out of the isolation and quarantine of new plans and meanings, to negotiate honestly and openly, assuming total responsibility for those decisions, try to make sure to do it with the least damage to each side that will allow in the future to open new directions, traffic, features, vectors of development.

To sum up, I would like to say that the basis of the normal passage of this stage of self-isolation, the basis of normal well-being and condition is primarily a look at yourself, your reasons and factors of behavior: what irritates me, what catches, why I behave like this, how I used to react, how I can calm down, not suppressing these emotions, and throwing them out without destructive consequences for the partner, for the relationship, for myself and my psyche, what awaits me, what I need in the future, along the way with my partner, and if so, what can we do? combine (common meanings, goals, interests, General development). This will allow you to go through this period at least painlessly, and as a maximum to come out with improved, updated relationships, or with new prospects, new plans, with understanding of your further steps without the burden of guilt, responsibility and resentment.

Have a good self-isolation, work on yourself, be healthy. If you have any questions, write to me, and I will try to reveal them and voice the most important points. Perhaps this will help you develop, become better, achieve more.

God bless you. All the best!